Doing my best

I’m really doing my best, and I have my heart in pieces, and the tears running on my face. I’m asking myself how did I get here? What is the purpose?

I’m so sad. Losing my mom during this pandemic, seems unreal.

I started this year stressed and disappointed. I went to Argentina full of gifts and good intentions. I really tried my best. But everything was different that it was planned. It was much harder, all I did was almost with pain and struggle.

Going to visit my sister and her family will be written in another chapter. It was one thing after another, treating my mother and me like enemies.

I left Argentina with the promise to my mother that I would come back and then take her to Rome. I had so many plans.

And then, this pandemic, that first freezed me, I was in shock, and I didn’t help my mom by telling her that this was going to be long and she wouldn’t be able to go out. I told her to buy things for the house. The truth is that I was terrified.

I also was seeing somebody in France, and the plan was to go there and spend some time with him and had some shows I was going to participate in.

But nothing happened as planned so far, and being stuck with so much fear, I received that phone call from an aunt on Easters. I still can’t get over it.

My mom died from a massive heart attack, she was alone. Her sisters were all terrified as well, and they couldn’t say bye either, although they are in the same city.

And me, here, in Miami, begging for this not to be true, to wake up from the nightmare. But not, it is really true, and I could cry for a couple of days, cause then I was told that my sister sent people to take things and money from the apt from the very first moment. I need to say that my sister wasn’t in town either. So none of us could be there to say bye to our mother.

Everything was done by dear cousins that are like brothers. But nobody expected that there was going to be a war between my sister and me.

She doesn’t care about anything else but herself and her family. She forgot the roots, the love, the value of spiritual things. She only cares about money and taking things that she knows she needs to share. That don’t belong to her alone. She knows that my mother put every little thing in her apt with love. That she was there for us. But she forgot absolutely everything.

So now, here I’m asking myself, and now what?

My marriage failed, my kids didn’t make it to this world. My relationships have been painful. Nice moments, hard moments. Always trying to cut my wings, to cut whatever I was doing, to put me down. So now, even my last relationship in the hardest time ever, crying for my mother, in show for my sister. In shock cause of the pandemic, in shock for everything!, he says oh, It seems I will not see you soon so good bye, and here I’m asking me did I do everything wrong?

Why my mother died now? When I needed her the most. Who is my sister?

I can see her as my worst enemy, and I love her daughter and I feel she loves me.

But it seems I will not be able to see her grow up. So I lost a family.

It was not perfect, on the contrary, it was tough my relationship with them, but I loved my mom, although she never accepted that I left twenty years ago, that I decided to fly away. But I would always be there when needed. She never saw that.

Oh God, give me strength! I have my heart in pieces.

What is my mission? Even to show my paintings I need to fight, but then everybody love them. It has been a fight almost every step.

What did I do in my past lives? Was I such a terrible person?

Why all the ones I loved with all my heart die? Why the persons I chose to share my life were the wrong ones?

What is my mission?

Why the most simple things in life seem to be the most difficult for me?

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